By Susie Hall, The Sassy Godmother, www.thesassygodmother.com
https://www.instagram.com/sassygodmother/
Sassy Godmother’s Pearls of Wisdom: 50 inspiring ways to navigate your life is due for release in February 2026: https://mybook.to/SassyGodmother
If you’re in your fifties you’ll remember a time when dating websites had quite a stigma attached to them. It was the exception rather than the rule as the “go to” place to meet someone. Whilst that hascompletely turned on its head with on-line dating becoming the most popular place to meet a partner (in 2022 over a quarter of over 50’s used a site) it can be daunting and is it for everyone? Some people may prefer to stick to in-person events which are making a come-back. However, the advantage of the on-line world is the sheer number of individuals you have access to. Where else in life do you get the opportunity to walk into a massive on-line room full of potential partners?
First things first – do you really want to be there?
I dipped my toes into the world of dating apps a few years ago. Do you know what struck me the most? It seemed to me that a lot of men and women didn’t actually want to be on a dating site at all. It was clearly a “have to” rather than a “want to”. And how did I come to that conclusion? Because of the number of poorly written profiles and crappy photographs. That suggested to me that very little effort or care had been put into the process. If you don’t really want to do something or be somewhere, of course you’re not going to show up fully engaged. It’s the same with on-line dating. You’re not going to invest your energy or take it seriously if you don’t actually want to be there.
So that’s the first question you honestly need to ask yourself. In your fifties, you’re likely to have come out of a long-term relationship, you may have had a tough separation or divorce, or a bereavement and you may be feeling emotionally bruised and fragile. Many over 50’s report feelings of vulnerability and being out of practice. You may not be ready and that’s totally OK. It’s far better to acknowledge it rather than showing up half-heartedly because you feel you “should” or because friends/family keep nagging you to go on-line to meet someone new. They might mean well but you’re simply not in the right head space.
But if you do really want to be there, then show up as your full self and be prepared to invest some real time and effort.
Treat the whole process as an investment in your future
Like anything in life, what you sow is what you’re likely to reap. This is an investment in your future so think about how you can maximise your return! You may have paid a fee to sign up to a dating website or app, in which case you want to get real value from it. And if you haven’t paid a fee, I’d advise you to still apply the same level of commitment and work as if you had paid for it. On-line dating done properly is time-consuming and requires work.
Time to think about marketing yourself
As much as it sounds a bit hard-nosed, your dating profile is a bit like your CV. It’s your sales document and if you’ve been out of the dating game for a while, it can be hard to know where to start. I chose apps and websites where there was enough space for me to write a decent length profile to showcase myself properly. Not just a few lines. I wanted those men looking at my profile to get a really good idea of who I was, what I did, how I spent my time, what I liked and what I wanted both from a man and a relationship. I suggest you do the same to give yourself the best chance. Make sure you don’t undersell yourself or your achievements, your ambitions and your desires. It’s very British to underplay ourselves and be overly modest. But by the time you’ve reached your fifties, you’ll likely have a pretty good idea of who you are and how you want to spend this next stage of your life. Over 40% of over-50s consider shared interests or hobbies important, versus just 18% of 25–35-year-olds. So be brutally honest and be prepared to be a bit creative with your profile so you stand out. There are a lot of boring, average and dull profiles out there. Be different by being yourself.
So when you write your profile, be SO clear and honest about who you are and what you want, that you ensure you put off the wrong people. And attract the right people. There’s never been a more important occasion to be 100% authentic. Don’t write what you think someone wants to read, write the truth about who you are. I was talking to a friend a few years ago who’s a little quirky and she was getting a bit jaded with the dating process. She’s in a choir and we were talking about being fiercely authentic when writing a profile. “You mean I can put in “don’t be shocked if I sing an aria in bed”…..”. “Yes”, I said, “precisely”. “You need to be with the kind of guy who’s going to love you singing an aria in bed and celebrate that part of you. Not someone who thinks you’re weird.” The right person will love your individuality, the wrong person won’t come anywhere near you and that’s the whole point. Brutal honesty and authenticity is a great filter.
Make the most of your profile with good photographs. You need to put yourself in the shoes of the person looking at the profile. Ideally don’t take selfies, rarely do you get a really flattering angle. Get a friend who’s handy with a lens to take some really high-quality photos of you in differing surroundings which reflect what you’re like and what you like doing. Make sure your face is visible, not covered by huge sunglasses and avoid group photos where we’re left guessing which one is you. You need to be able to look at your profile and photographs and ask yourself “am I showcasing myself in the best possible way?”
Be aware of your beliefs and boundaries
If you’re back into using dating apps and websites after a long break or it’s a totally new experience for you, it can play havoc with your emotions. There’s nothing like the dating experience (at any age) to shed a light on your limiting beliefs and insecurities. It can really challenge your self-esteem if you get rejected, ghosted or lied to. If this is a new experience it can be quite shocking. This is not intended to put you off, merely to ensure you go in with your eyes open. You need resilience to cope with the ups and downs of on-line dating. One way to deal with this is by making sure you have very strong boundaries and clarity around what you’ll accept and what you won’t accept. I’ve heard too many stories of women (and men) being treated appallingly by people they meet on dating sites, but they put up with it and go back for more. And therein lies the problem.
Your mind-set plays a huge part in who you’re likely to attract. What you think of yourself will show up in how you behave and consequently how you get treated back. This is where a degree of self-awareness comes in. We all have some limiting beliefs, but if you’re running an internal programme which says “there are no good men out there” or “I’m not worthy of love” you’re in danger of self-sabotage before you’ve even started. So a level of brutal honesty is necessary to challenge what your beliefs are around your worthiness and what you deserve. Asking yourself “do I see myself as the prize” is a provocative question which will give you some clues as to where you are the self-confidence spectrum.
Create a system that works for you
Having some kind of methodology or system can be a really useful way of getting some structure to your dating activity and eliminating burn-out. A friend of mine in her fifties has an interesting system. She’ll sign up to a site for a month or three- month initial period – some paid, some free and she’ll blitz it for that time. Her first stage is a video call; if that goes well she’ll meet for a coffee, and then an evening drink. She might do 2 or 3 coffees a week for the time she’s on the site. After a month or two she’ll come off the site and have a break. She might then try another site or go back to the previous one but after a time lag. This way she doesn’t get burned out, feel disillusioned and actually has some fun in the process. And she sees new faces on the sites on a regular basis. Some of her stories are hilarious, but she enjoys it – and that’s the key.
Three Pearls of Wisdom for dating in later years
Make absolutely sure you really want to be there and if you do, then commit both in terms of time and effort. This means doing yourself justice in terms of showcasing yourself in the best light with an interesting, authentic and honest profile. Get help if necessary and get some quality photos taken.
Watch your mind-set around your own self-image and what your expectations are of how you wish to be treated. Ensure your boundaries aren’t being breached and you’re not putting up with unacceptable behaviours. If something or someone makes you feel uncomfortable, you know you need to take action.
Create a system for yourself in terms of how you go about your dating activity. A process can help keep you engaged. And think about taking regular breaks and experimenting with different sites. It should be fun not an endurance test. If it starts to feel that way then come off and take a complete break. Maybe try in person events instead.
