By Susie Hall, The Sassy Godmother, www.thesassygodmother.com
https://www.instagram.com/sassygodmother/
Sassy Godmother’s Pearls of Wisdom: 50 inspiring ways to navigate your life is due for release in February 2026: https://mybook.to/SassyGodmother
Quality and Quantity
I used to be very hung up on the fairy-tale idea that everyone else I knew out there was having great sex all the time. Which of course was utter BS according to plenty of sex therapists and surveys. All you can do is work with your partner on making it the best it can be for you both, according to you both. Sex is totally subjective so do yourself a big favour and ditch the comparison and whatever social media tells you. There are no “should”. It’s more about doing what you want and agree to with your partner/s, in the confines of your space without worrying about what anyone else is doing.
Sex also takes many different forms depending on what you need and how you’re feeling at the time. It can be a way of bonding and healing, it can be raunchy and lusty, it can be sacred and loving, it can be play. And it can be a combination of all of that. It also depends what stage you’re at in your life. When you’re young and single you might be as horny as hell, if you’ve had kids and you come home knackered after a day’s work, sex maybe the last thing on your mind. And when you hit menopause there’s a whole load of hormonal havoc going on down there that you have to navigate. What you want now might not be what you wanted a few years ago – and that’s fine.
It needs to be fun and playful
Whatever vibe and variety your sex life has, I think seeing it as adult play-time is useful. I always took sex far too seriously. Finally realising that I could have sex, fun and laughter co-existing in the same bed was a gamechanger for me. Sex therapists and psychologists totally agree that bringing a playful and light energy to your sex life reduces a lot of the angst. So don’t leave your sense of humour at the bedroom door. Bring it in with you. The more laughter the better!
Being too serious about the outcome can also ruin sex. Again – I was guilty as charged. You need to enjoy the journey, whatever the outcome, or why bother? Life’s too short. Play is about enjoying the moment and not being hung up on results. Fixating on achieving orgasm or achieving orgasm for your partner can be highly dissatisfying and frustrating.
And here’s something else. You may have had a historical like or dislike for one thing or another with a previous partner. Don’t assume that the same will be true with a new partner. Be open minded and experiment with new things. A new partner can bring a fresh mind-set, a different approach, style or technique which could have a profoundly positive effect on you. I’ve experienced this and take it from me, it’s awesome!
Let’s talk about Sex Baby…..
Good communication is fundamental to a good sex life. And yet so many people clam up and don’t talk about how they’re feeling. Because they think it might offend or upset. The way to manage all those insecurities and worries is to talk about what’s going on for you. People will ask their partners what they want for dinner, whether they want to go out or not, whether they want to go for a walk. And yet, when it comes to sex somehow we should all be mind readers. If you’re knackered, say so. If you’re not in the mood and just want to be close and have a cuddle, say so. Don’t try to please your partner, end up feeling dissatisfied and they’re left wondering what’s wrong with you.
Not only is it good to communicate during sex, but also afterwards. But it doesn’t need to be immediately afterwards. You can talk about sex when you’re out for a long walk or on a car journey. Saying how much you enjoyed something or how someone made you feel can have a hugely positive and validating impact on your relationship. Equally, if something didn’t work so well for you then talking about it later outside the bedroom can be beneficial. This allows some distance and objectivity which might remove some of the sensitivity and defensiveness which can rear their heads in the heat of the moment.
Be clear about your likes, dislikes and preferences. What does turn you on? Think about being good selfish in the bedroom. It’s OK. In fact, it’s necessary. Focusing on your own arousal is an important part of good sex. Don’t consistently do things that you don’t like and that don’t turn you on. Take oral sex for example, it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. If you don’t get something out of it, don’t keep doing it. It will eventually sap your erotic energy. Find something else that turns you on and concentrate on that instead. But talk about it.
Clearly, the safer you feel with your partner, the easier and more natural all these things will become. And remember, it’s an unravelling process. It evolves as you learn more about your partner and the trust gets stronger and deeper.
