We will all fail. Again. And again. It’s a natural, and actually, necessary, part of life. A lot of success is only achieved by a process of failure along the way. Many actors, singers and comedians you see in the media you may think have suddenly popped out of nowhere and become an “overnight success”. What you might not realise is the bum films with horrific reviews that they did or the woeful nights in working men’s clubs slogging away with two men and a dog in the audience and being heckled by the local drunk.
This is called “honing your craft” and failure and f**k-ups are an integral part of this process. The process of failing is a process of learning. Learning what works and what doesn’t. But there are ways of failing that will guarantee that you DO learn – rather than repeatedly making the same mistakes AND that you come out of it well.
If you never fail, it might be because you’re not actually pushing yourself. You’re not trying anything new or uncomfortable, you’re not pushing the boundaries of your creativity or your potential. You need to take a few risks in life otherwise you just stagnate. Failure is a necessary part of the joy of experimentation. You work out what doesn’t work and then try something different. It’s a process.
When we fail or screw up we go through various stages of emotions and reactions. The way to fail well is to make sure you complete some of the later stages of the process – which can often get forgotten in the emotional turmoil. There are also some stages of this process which might be preferable to skip!!
Let’s look at this now.
So you realise you’ve screwed up or you’ve failed at something. When you realise it you have an emotional reaction. Coming second in a race or team sport you might be frustrated, angry, disappointed or a combination of all of these. If you realise you’ve screwed up big-time with dramatic consequences to others, you’ll often get an uncomfortable sensation in the pit of your stomach. The first thing many of us do is to react. A reaction is usually quick and comes from gut instinct.
Some of us go into denial. If I don’t tell anyone perhaps it will go away. Well I can tell you – it won’t. At some point it will come back and bite you. So don’t bury your head in the sand and pretend it hasn’t happened.
The alternative is to actually stop and take a deep breath. The difference between a reaction and a response is time. Responding rather than reacting results in a far more considered and thoughtful approach. So take a deep breath and just sit with it for a minute or two. Take the time to acknowledge what’s happened.
The next steps are interesting. Depending on the situation you might go in several different directions. When we realise we’ve screwed up, it can be quite natural to want to blame someone else. Sometimes there will be occasions where someone has had an input into the situation. But, it’s very important that you acknowledge and own your part in what’s happened rather than trying to lay the blame totally at someone else’s door.
If we blame others for our own mistakes or shortcomings we start to inhabit the psychological archetype of the victim – which is pretty unattractive. People who, for whatever reason, can never recognise the part they play in failure, and who will always look to blame outside circumstances or other people. This usually comes from childhood and plays out in all sorts of circumstances. For your own developmental journey it’s the grown-up and mature thing to recognise what part we played in a situation and own it. Take responsibility for it.
Once you own it, you can then start to move on from it. This is the bit of the process that many people don’t take enough time or trouble over. When you recognise what’s happened and why, then it’s time to take action. This might be an apology, it might be talking to people about it. At work, it might be talking to someone and getting feedback or asking for more help, guidance or training. Whatever it is, the important thing is to act. By taking action you’re taking control. And by taking control, you’re reclaiming your power.
When I realise I’ve made a mistake I actually physically hold up both my hands. If I’m with someone who’s old and knows Latin I might say “mea culpa” which means my mistake or my fault. You might want to find your own version…my mistake, I’ve screwed up, my fault, my bad, whatever it is – it’s an acknowledgment of ownership, admission and ultimately taking responsibility. With that, ironically comes power because you’re getting there first, before someone accuses you. An admission can often diffuse a situation rather than enflame it. If you pretend it wasn’t you or you don’t own the fact that you forgot to book a table for you and your friend you’ll lose trust.
And remember that shitty feeling you experienced when you realised you’d screwed up? By taking action, you’re doing something to put it right, to find a resolution, to put plans in place to make sure it doesn’t happen again. This will make you feel a lot better because you’re being pro-active, rather than wallowing in victimhood and feeling bad about yourself.
The most important step in failing is getting very clear on the lessons you need to learn. Write them down even. Just make sure you really connect with what happened and why – and if that situation occurs again you need to be crystal clear on what you’d do differently. Is it about doing something different or is it about doing something different earlier?
The art of failing well is all about learning the lessons and being seen to be proactive around wanting to do something about it. So you can make a massive cock-up at work but if you follow these steps you’ll come out of it smelling of roses. It will also do your Personal Brand no end of good if you do the right things.
Make sure you flag it early (rather than being an ostrich and burying your head)
Tell the right people immediately
Apologize if necessary
Own your part in it
Don’t blame others – don’t step into Victim mode
Take action to get feedback or advice on how to proceed. Ask for a meeting or a call if necessary to say you want to unpack it
Be seen to be learning the lessons (“just so I don’t make the same mistake again, can you give me some training in……”, can you just explain this to me again etc)
If you go to a restaurant and you order a burger and it’s raw in the middle and you complain there are probably going to be several scenarios. If they apologize, replace the burger without any fuss, offer you a free drink for the inconvenience and do it with a smile, you’re probably going to go back to the restaurant. If they quibble about it and don’t act quickly, if they’re miserable and don’t offer any kind of apology or recompense, you might question whether you go back next time.
Everyone fails. It’s simply how you handle it that makes the difference….
