“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”
– Winston Churchill
The ability to accept is one of the most important aspects of positive mental health you have at your disposal. Churchill’s quote gives us two stark choices. We can either change what we don’t like about a situation, or we accept it as it is. So why do so many of us find ourselves doing neither one thing or the other?
Taking positive action to change is seen as being active, whereas accepting can be seen as more passive. Don’t be fooled. It can be active in its own way. Rather than implying a miserable resignation to events, with a sad shrug of the shoulders, it can be a powerful choice that you willingly make to stand firmly in a place of acceptance. Because you understand that the alternative isn’t pretty.
So, if it IS in your control to change a situation, then take appropriate action. Do what you can do, you can’t do any more than that. You’ve done what was in your power. Now accept the rest and let it go. If you’re not prepared to make a change, then take responsibility and recognise it to help you move to a place of acceptance. If you have a boss who’s a nightmare but you don’t want to change jobs because much of the rest of it works for you, then change what you can to manage the situation. Then accept you will stay at the organisation rather than moving but don’t constantly complain which is a sign you haven’t accepted your choice.
When we languish in that place of being “neither here nor there” – not changing and not accepting, we suffer. Our mental health can suffer. We’re stuck. And we’re in danger of becoming victims rather than masters of our lives. And victim energy can be very draining for everyone around it.
Acceptance can be a long process. Grief is an example. Grief is suffering and is made worse by a refusal to accept what has happened. Much of the grieving process is about slowly accepting a new reality and coming to terms with the loss of a person, or even a situation. I think one of the best ways to think about this is to stop fighting life. Fighting life is very draining. None of us know how our lives are going to pan out. But if we allow events to unravel and get out of our own way, things often have a habit of unfolding to our advantage. The problem for most of us is that it just doesn’t happen in our desired timeframe and that’s what can be hard to accept.
There are some strategies that can help support the process of acceptance. With bereavement, grief counsellors encourage their clients to see their loved one as living within them, with all the associated memories and experiences captured inside. They help their clients to see their lost loved ones in another form. Physically gone but still alive in the heart and mind. So, acceptance becomes about seeing a situation from a different perspective. Re-framing it, if you like.
Self-awareness will make you better at mastering the art of acceptance because you’ll be able to catch yourself when you’re fighting a situation. Getting frustrated, getting angry. Which is fine, by the way. But you need to be able to move on from this emotional state rather than getting stuck there. So always ask yourself the question “what can I do?”. There may be something you haven’t considered before. To fully accept a situation, you need to feel that there’s absolutely nothing more you can do about it to make it better. Then you can release, let it go and re-frame it to see it in a different light. When you do catch yourself in a place of non-acceptance, there’s likely to be something you can say to yourself, like a mantra, that may help you anchor to a place of acceptance. An anchor phrase might be something like “I know there’s a better opportunity out there for me”, “I know the house will sell when the time’s right”. When you find yourself getting frustrated, come back to your anchor. This could also be a physical anchor. Coming back to your breath, getting back in your body rather than being in your head. The head is where the non-accepting chatter is likely to be taking place so focusing on your body is a good grounding tool to bring you back to the present moment.
Being able to trust in a higher order of some description always helps the process of acceptance. If you firmly believe that something better is likely to present itself, or that “it wasn’t meant to be”, you can trust the timing rather than raging against it. Acceptance becomes less of a fight and the situation can start to become more tolerable.
Points to remember about acceptance:
- It doesn’t have to signify resignation. It can be a powerful and willing choice you make.
- It’s courageous, not weak.
- Situations can be re-framed in your mind, you have the choice of another perspective.
- Make sure you’ve taken all appropriate action to change. Or acknowledge you’re not prepared to. Then you can own the responsibility of not changing but move towards accepting.
- Use either a mental or physical anchor to ground you in acceptance.
- Ask yourself whether you’re fighting life or allowing life?
